Guest Post: The Power to Bless

The following is an article by Jen Maidenberg originally published in the Times of Israel on January 18th.  I think it captures a modern sense of blessing and prayers.

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They may butt in front of you in line without a thought.

They may scream epithets at you as they zoom past your car on the one-lane highway.

They may be brisk and brash and too aggressive for your liking, but…

Israelis sure know how to bless you.

Not just when you sneeze.

But for every birthday, milestone, and reason for celebration.

Israelis, religious and non-religious alike, are really good at giving you one heck of a good blessing.

I’ve learned, the hard way, that I’m not so good at it.

The first time I was asked to give a public bracha (blessing), I was caught off-guard.

It was my son’s 5th birthday at his preschool. I had been in Israel 9 months already, but never to a child’s birthday in the classroom. This was my first.

There I was, sitting in the place of honor at the front of my room with my son, in front of 30 smiling expectant children, and the teacher asked me for a bracha for my son.

What?     Here?     Now?     In front of everyone?     In Hebrew?!?

My heart raced.      Bless my son?      Bless him?

What were they looking for? What were they expecting?

Baruch atah adonai …something or other?

A Fiddler style duet?

How do you bless your kid on his birthday?

I fumbled through the bracha with broken Hebrew and a nervous smile. Said something about how I hope his year is filled with fun and laughter.

Not bad for a first-timer, but I realized soon after how common this practice is…and how there are certain expected phrases.

Much health.

Much happiness.

Much health and happiness.

Kids are actually trained in brachot.

Not  formal training, really, but from a very early age children are asked to prepare brachot for their friends’ birthdays. It’s part of the birthday experience at school.

You don’t just color a beautiful card for your friend.

You write them a blessing.

And, I imagine at first, the teacher helps them with common nice phrases to say or write.

By first grade, the phrases become a little more sophisticated, but nonetheless still practiced and recognizable.

May you get many presents.

May you continue to be exactly as you are.

After years and years, and decades and decades of blessing your friends and classmates and neighbors, eventually it must be something you get really good at.

So that when it comes time to say something nice at a bris, or a baby naming, coworker goodbye party, or a wedding, Israelis are pros.

I envy their blessing ability.

Even when I am in a position to bless someone I really like and want to bless, I fumble.

And it’s not just the Hebrew.

Even in English, I fumble.

Growing up in America — despite our reputation in Israel for excessive, unnecessary niceness — we had a lot less practice in how to offer our blessings.

It’s something I really had to learn on my own.

And it’s something I am still learning,

How to meaningfully, and sincerely offer my true, authentic blessings to someone else.

And even more challenging — how to accept blessings and good wishes offered to me.

With a smile.

And a gracious thank you.

Not a shy, “Oh stop it…it was nothing.”

Or a sarcastic, “Oh, do go on…”

Just a true, authentic acceptance of a someone else’s blessing.

It might sound weird, but perhaps “formal training” in blessing is a good training to get.

Israelis don’t realize it, probably, and would be shocked to hear it — but when it comes to giving and receiving blessings, they’re actually nicer than Americans.

They've perfected a lesson in niceness worth exporting.

Hocus Pocas, Shortcuts, & Davening

The following in an anonymous submission from a davener:

The nature of prayer is a complicated one, because there is lots of bunk.  For me the philosophy of prayer is quite simple:

Prayer is for us not for God, it impacts our outlook and framework.  By virtue of the change we make on ourselves we can influence how we are cosmically treated.  This is perfectly rational, good prayer is good as an end, not a means.

Therefore, hocus pocus does not work. Iyun Tefilah does not work. Kishuf  (magic) does not work. Prayer on behalf of others does not work. (Although if they ask for prayer on their behalf it may.  The concept of tzadik ben tzadik is that you associate with someone ask for their advice, it too is an end in and of itself.)

There are no shortcuts.  It also explains certain halachot, like necessity for thoughtfulness before wearing tefillin and certain rishonim who argue one should not pray in the improper frame of mind.  Further, the gemara says there are three keys that God maintains, the key to parnash, to child rearing and to tchiat hameitim.  These are random events that are totally beyond our control, everything else is in our control.  Rav Schachter tells the story of when he visited the Steipler for a bracha when he and his wife were having difficulty having a child. The Steipler said OK. Then R Schachter asked for a bracha for success in learning, and the Steipler said what on earth can I offer you. Sit and learn and you will be successful, don’t sit and learn and you won’t. This is similar to the gadol offering the “segula” of washing the dishes and making the beds for a good marriage.

Bottom line, humans clamor for shortcuts and are inherently superstitious.  That is the very definition of avodah zara.

Guest Post: The Potty Prayer

When I teach youth about prayer or blessings, and how to connect to these potentially abstract ideas, I always share what my favorite prayer is and why.  Initially, when students hear about it they giggle or think I'm actually joking.

When I was a freshman in high school I first heard about 'The Pee Prayer', or 'Asher Yatzar', the prayer said after going to the bathroom.

The text of the prayer is almost mechanical in the way it describes the functioning of the body. The basic gist of the prayer is, 'Thanks G-d!  You created my body with all of its valves, tubes, and plumbing.  If just one of these various parts stopped functioning, even for an hour, it would be impossible for me to exist.'

At 14, I thought, 'Cool! There's even a prayer for peeing!'  And I began saying it diligently every time after I had gone to the bathroom.

Six years later, when I was 20, my favorite uncle, Johnny Goldberg, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Johnny was 46 years old and had three children. His youngest daughter would be celebrating her bat mitzva in just a few short weeks.

I went to say goodbye to him before I left for my sophomore year of college.  All of us (he too), knew his death was imminent.  I sat next to him on his bed and I knew it would be the last conversation with him.  I felt comfortable and curious enough to ask him, 'If you could have one thing right now, what would it be?'

I was sure he would say, 'To live to see Judy's bat mitzva', or 'To feel well',  or 'To have the pain go away.'  But without missing a beat he said, 'I would like to be able to go to the bathroom again.'

He died two days later.

And finally, for the first time, after years of saying the pee prayer, I understood just how miraculous our bodies are. How intricately they function.  And how when they breakdown, just how debilitating and devastating it is.

As unbelievable as it seems, ever since that September afternoon in 1989, I have said Asher Yatzer with more intention, understanding, and appreciation.

One of the many things that I love about connecting to various Brachot is how they can compel us to go through our lives with 'deliberateness'.  Brachot force us to recognize the miraculous in the seemly everyday, routine, and pedestrian.

For 6 years I said the Bracha, and it meant something.  But then the switch was thrown, and the Bracha became illuminated for me - I finally GOT IT.

Which of the Brachot that you often say 'speaks' to you?  Why?  And what does it say?

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Rachel Goldberg was born and raised in Chicago and now lives with her family in Israel. Rachel's teaching experience includes Judaic Studies at the Oakland Hebrew Day School, the Endangered Spirits program, she has lectured for Hebrew University's Florence Melton Adult Mini-School, WUJS, and recently wrote and published an awesome curriculum on Jewish Identity for Birthright groups. She is one of the finest Jewish role models and informal educators that I have met.

Tefilla, Resilience and Sandy: Suggestions for Educators

The following is a post by Chana Zweiter, Founding Director of The Rosh PinaMainstreaming Network. She is presently travelling in NY and shares this reflection 

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Of all the times to be in NY.  I was there this week during the angry throes of hurricane Sandy.  And I did feel the anger. I watched trees fall into windows and rip out of the earth with sidewalks.  Friends were flooded and lost important and precious items that can never be replaced – memorabilia from parents and photos of kids.

I thank God for that we are all well and were never missing much , even as I wonder and ask Him, “What’s this all about?”

Dr.Aaron Antonofsky, of Ben Gurion University was a noted Israeli physician who focused much of his efforts on helping people to be resilient, overcome challenges in their environment. Our job, he said, was to help individuals/children to develop the inner skills with which “function in the face of changes in themselves and ...their environment.”  There is no one way to respond to what has happened. We need to take the time to reflect on Sandy and not rush to draw conclusions or messages.  But right now, we as family members and educators need to be sure that our children have those inner skills.

A few years ago, Dr. Martin Seligman, leader in the field of Positive Psychology, conducted an empirical study focused on understanding what psychological interventions provide those inner skills .  He and his colleagues examined responses of individuals who were depressed to five exercises. I want to share with you here insights about the following two most effective exercises:

1. “THREE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE”. Participants were asked to write down three things that went well each day and their causes every night for one week. In addition, they were asked to provide a causal explanation for each good thing.”
2. “USING SIGNATURE STRENGTHS IN A NEW WAY.” Participants were asked to take our inventory of character strengths online at www.authentichappiness.org and to receive individualized feedback about their top five (“signature”) strengths (Peterson et al., 2005a). They were then asked to use one of these top strengths in a new and different way every day for one week.”

The study required the participants to complete the exercise for one week, but some continued for six months or longer. They attributed that to the fact the participants who continued to benefit from the exercises did so because “these two interventions involve skills that improve with practice, that are fun, and that thus are self-maintaining.”

Much has been said about the power of tefilla/prayer during this difficult period. I share this in Davenspot because I know that our tefilla provides us with those two exercises, we just need to find them. I suggest that we make daily tefilla more meaningful and connected to our daily lives  immediately,  helping our children to deal with the overwhelming helplessness that Sandy has brought:

1. The source of “THREE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE” are tefillot such as, Ma tovu, Modeh Ani, Modim Anahnu Lakh, and all the Berachot that we say on an ongoing basis. When you daven/pray tomorrow with your kids, stop before you say Ma tovu and ask them to write three things that are tov, good, in their lives. Ask them to explain why. This exercise can be adapted later on when you ask them to list what they would like to be good and how they can make it happen. Similar activities can be done when reading Modeh Ani – “for what am I grateful – to God, to my parents... “ Guiding the kids in preparing a Grateful Diary in which they record what they are grateful for every day is another exercise that will achieve this focus on what is good, taking away some weight from what is not.
    
2.  The source of “USING SIGNATURE STRENGTHS IN A NEW WAY”  can be  found in tefillot/prayers such as the first paragraph of the Amida/Shmone Esrei, which reminds us of Avraham, Yizhak and Yaakov,  forefathers, each of which is noted for a particular characteristic. Conduct a discussion about these characteristics. What were they? What do we learn from them? Then ask the students to make a list of their strengths, how they have used them in the past, and how they can adapt them to meet the immediate needs of the storm.

These are just a sampling of exercises our Ohr Hadash Tefilla Initiative provides. And their benefits are more far reaching than dealing with Sandy.

For more information about the  Ohr Hadash Tefilla Initiative, please write to us at info@kaleidoscope.org.il.